Rachel (inugrlrayn) wrote in lovelusthonour,

What I Should Have Said

Title: What I Should Have Said
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: RoyxEd

Author's Notes: Written for my darling Tsu. An angsty one-shot inspired by the lyrics of Hurt by Christina Aguilera.

Lips brushed along his jaw, whisking down over the sensitive flesh of his neck, devouring his pulse against a warm tongue and gentle teeth. Burning hands only served to set fire to his body as they skimmed his shoulders, his chest, drifting teasingly down his torso, heat sensed even through the tank top he wore.

Roy’s hair tickled Ed’s face and he trembled, biting his lip as fingers brushed achingly close to all the right places before dancing out of reach again. They slid up his stomach, under the shirt, his lover’s teeth digging deliciously into his neck with not quite enough pressure to really hurt. Short nails skimmed over his chest, shirt catching on Roy’s arms and sliding up the blonde’s torso.

“Please,” he murmured, straining to bring their bodies just a little closer.

“Be patient,” the words licked wickedly at his ears as dark hair skimmed Ed’s face, the older man’s body pressing teasingly against his own, sliding easily against the leather pants he wore.

“I’ve waited so long,” the blonde’s protest was reduced to a whimper as warm lips found his, drowning him in heat and longing and Roy. This was what life was made of.

Ed tossed in his sleep, murmuring nonsense into his pillow as he squirmed in warmth of the blankets. The moon shone cruelly in his window, gazing in at the former alchemist along with the rest of Munich. The space on the mattress beside him was painfully empty despite his deepest wishes, but it hardly mattered in sleep.

He tasted like nothing, like everything, like Ed. Molten gold gazed up at him as he pulled from the kiss, pink lips parted and panting. When had he gotten to be so damn beautiful? Blonde hair cascaded over the sheets and the younger man tilted his head back, inviting Roy’s touch with every motion.

The temptation to hurry, to take what he’d wanted for so long, it beckoned, screaming in his ears to make Ed his. Roy pushed the idea away. He’d waited too many years for this and wouldn’t be rushed, not even by his own desires. The older man found himself biting his lip to hold back a moan as Ed’s automail slid between his thighs, pressing temptingly against him.

Roy let his fingers play along the waistline of Ed’s pants before moving to the snap that held them in place. There was no resistance as he pulled them down his companion’s hips, the smaller alchemist only arching off the bed to aid in there removal.

“Ohhhhh,” Ed mumbled against the back of his hand as Roy’s mouth found his ear, tugging and sucking. The blonde’s nails dug into his back, and the little sounds he made as Roy’s lips roved over his body were intoxicating. Something this good, it had to be real.

The embers in the fireplace did nothing to take the edge off the cold that permeated the cabin. Roy trembled beneath the military issued blanket, neither the uniform pants or his half buttoned shirt doing much to keep him warm. His mind was lost in precious dreams shielding him from feeling the cold, though his body was chilled in the here and now.

“Fuck,” he cursed under his breath as Roy’s teeth worried a nipple, tongue lapping at the nub. The older man grinned against his skin, lingering only a moment before finding a new spot to torment. Ed shut his eyes, losing himself to feathery touches and soft kisses that seemed to be everywhere at once. Why had he waited so long for this? It was positively sinful to not have done this before.

Then lips and teeth were searing the insides of his thighs, barely there, but burning all the same. It was hot, too hot, he couldn’t breathe and he was drowning, it wasn’t enough. Roy’s mouth enveloped the head of his cock without warning and he was arching up off the bed, crying out in pleasure.

Lips and tongue and teeth surrounded him, bathing him in heat and moisture as Roy’s head bobbed at his groin. Ed trembled, human fingers combing through ebony tresses as The man’s hand slid up his thighs, cupping his balls before slipping further back, teasing the blonde’s entrance.

“Please,” he begged, gasping as Roy’s digit invaded him. It still felt like drowning in nothing, too much and not enough and all he could think of was he wanted to be closer and oh gosh did it feel good to be like this with Roy like that. A thousand emotions spiraled off into oblivion and exploded behind his eyes as a finger was curved within him, hitting something, and the tongue around his cock sucked just a little harder. He was so distracted by sensation that he barely noticed a second finger slide into him.

He tossed against the mattress, driven to near madness at the tormenting of Roy’s hands and mouth. He moaned in frustration as fingers slid out of him, leaving him empty and lips no longer curled around his length. A small frown graced his lips and molten eyes gazed up at Roy. The older man smiled and tilted his head down, parting Ed’s lips with his own and gifting him with a tender kiss as his cock pressed against the younger man’s entrance, a brief warning before pushing in.

Butterfly kisses dropped across his jaw as Roy pulled out and pushed in again, rocking in slow rhythm. The blonde wrapped his arms around his companion, shutting his eyes and simply letting the feeling of being taken over inside and out wash over him in waves. Roy was moving faster between his legs, panting softly against his shoulder, warm fingers tenderly grazing his flesh.

Automail found its way to Roy’s head, combing soothingly through his hair as Ed tried to beckon him faster. It seemed so urgent all of a sudden, like any moment the world would be ending and he wouldn’t get the chance to have that one perfect instant where everything just fits and the world revolves around here and now and this.

“Roy!” Ed called out as the flame alchemist moved frantically, bumping against that spot with every thrust, hand curled around the blonde’s length and pumping in time with the rocking of his hips. It was too much and then gone, and Ed was oblivious because he had that moment he’d searched for, waited for so long and they were together and suddenly reality just didn’t matter.

Ed strained desperately against the sheets in his sleep, hips rocking frantically in search of some sort of friction. He ground against the pillow that had gravitated down the bed, naked length surrounded by the feather stuffed fabric. It wasn’t much, but amidst his dreams it was enough, sending him to completion as he murmured he name of a man who didn’t exist this side of the gate.

Groggily, the young man opened his eyes, grinning for a moment, before he came to the cold realization of truth. None of it was real.


The cold finally seeped through even into his dreams, rousing Ed’s former commanding officer from sleep.

“Ed?” Roy called out in the dark, wondering where the young man had gone. He’d just been here, beneath him, all around him, but no… only barren sheets and a cold room remained. None of that had ever happened.

Regardless of the fact that Ed had indeed not come home, he was still achingly hard. He tried to ignore it, lost in melancholy recollections of what could have been if he’d only spoken up, but even the pain of losing something he’d never had the courage to make his to begin with was not enough to stave off the hunger for something more.

Roy shut his good eye, Ed’s image invading the dark corners of his mind until that was all there was. His hand found it’s way down his torso, disregarding the half buttoned shirt, simply unbuttoning his pants and slipping further down to stroke his length. If he wished hard enough, perhaps he could believe, just for a second, that it was Edward and that he was close and loved and wanted this too.

That was all it took and he was coming, losing his soul to a ghost as Ed’s name bubbled from his lips in soft pants and trembled syllables.

Roy frowned, wiping his soiled hand on the part of the sheet that covered the side of his mattress and curled up within the blankets, struggling miserably to catch his breath. He choked on his own despair, aching for something out of reach. If only he could just… see him once more, hear Ed’s voice saying his name, handing out an insult, something, he believed it could be alright. So many times he could have told the young man the truth, let him see just how loved, how needed, how cherished he was, but when he meant “I love you,” it always seemed to come out wrong. If only he’d told him that he was more than his alchemy, more than the sins that had made his body what it was, more than a failed transmutation, a tin can brother, and a quest for redemption. Ed was beautiful and broken, sometimes a loud mouthed pest, but sometimes a lesson in maturity and humility, and every once in a while, he was the picture of a higher purpose.


Ed looked at the clock, making out 4:27 in the moonlight that invaded his room. It was far earlier than he meant to be up, but dreams always made him ache for home, which, in turn, inspired him to research a way to get there.

He dragged himself from the bed to the desk, grumbling about being disturbed into waking. As usual, it was Roy’s fault. Even a world away the man was causing him problems.

Ed ignored the loneliness that crept about him, seeping into his very being, and cracked open the first book he came across. He seemed to have exhausted all current science, and struggled not to scoff at the idea of using magic. After all, perhaps there was a chance. Willing to do anything to just go home, he pulled a notebook from the top desk drawer, along with a pen, jotting notes as he flipped through the pages of the dust covered tome.

Notes of magic circles soon became daydreams of things he should have done, words he might have spoken if he’d realized he’d never have the chance again. He didn’t even notice it when he flipped to a new page and was no longer even thinking about the words written in the book.

Dear Roy,

I think maybe I owe you an apology. I blamed you for a lot of things. You used me, used Al and I hated you for it and I never got that you were helping us in your own way until it was too late to say so. I wish I had. All I can hope for now is that my brother is whole and himself again and that you succeeded against Pride.

I’m sure you did. You never seem to screw things up. I’m kind of jealous of that, I guess. You were something I could always count on, even if it wasn’t in the way I expected. I miss that. Honestly… I kind of miss you. It’s more than kind of really. I hated you, but… I think I loved you too. I never knew how you felt about anything. You never reacted except with that damn smirk that made me want to break your face. Once, just once, I wanted to see something true, something real. Maybe if I’d told you. Maybe that would have gotten a reaction. Maybe if I’d kissed you instead of smacking your hand goodbye. I wish I could have held on just a little longer. Wishes don’t really get us anything though, do they?

I had a dream about you tonight. I keep trying to tell myself that I never wanted you for myself, that being away from everyone is distorting my memories. I keep trying to tell myself I didn’t want to kiss you or hold you or love you, that I didn’t want any of that from you. I hate that even in a place where I might never see you again, you’re still taking over my life. It’s not fair that I can’t forget you, that I can’t sleep because I love you and I never told you and it kills me.

I hope you’ve made something good for yourself. I bet you’re the fuhrer by now. You’ve probably gone off and married Hawkeye. Heaven knows, she’s the only woman patient enough to put up with your crap all the time. I wonder if you two have kids yet. Oh fuck, I probably shouldn’t think about it. It makes it hurt more.

I bet you did this on purpose, you jerk. You had to have known I wouldn’t be able to not love you, even if I did manage to never say it. Are you happy now? I’m miserable and alone and it’s all your fucking fault. I don’t really mean that, I guess. Here I’m trying to apologize for blaming so much on you and I’m still accusing you of crap. It’s just hard to admit that it was my own doing, getting attached. I should have just ignored you. Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt that I can’t see you, can’t be with you now.

I wish I could say it was one particular thing I missed. Then you’d be easier to replace. It’s not one thing though, it’s everything. I miss that one real smile I got out of you, the last time I saw you. I miss the way you watched out for me even while you were being a jerk. I miss that stupid smirk. I even miss the short jokes. I wonder sometimes, do you miss me too?

I hope life has been great to you. I hope that you’re happy and you’ve succeeded. I hope that somewhere in your heart, there’s a place that you remember me.

Your friend,

Edward Elric

Ed sighed, setting down the pen. A few tears slid silently down his cheek, traitors to his feelings. He frowned deeply, forcing himself to return to his studies.


Roy rolled over and looked at the clock. Five in the morning, it read. He forced himself out of bed. After all, there was a funeral he was expected to speak at. Never mind that he was only a corporal now. He’d been the last superior officer Ed ever had. With a heavy heart and tired body, he got out of bed and grabbed his things, heading out the door to the train station.

The trip was relatively short, spent in sad recollection of what could have happened, what did happen, and why oh why was this all happening now?

Roy was astounded at the number of people gathered for Edward Elric’s funeral. It was as if the whole of Central had declared this day a holiday and gathered in the graveyard. As he was ushered to where a preacher might have stood to say a few words, he was nearly overcome with the desire to retch. How hypocritical. Honestly, how many of these people knew Ed? How many just wanted an excuse not to go to work? He listened in disgust as people spoke rumors and fairytales of his former subordinate. How many knew which ones were true? How many could tell stories and say that they were there? With a deep breath, Roy spoke, wanting to do right by the young man who had changed his life.

“Thank you all for coming out today. I’m sure that Ed would be surprised to see everyone out here to pay their respects. Then again, Ed always seemed surprised when people really noticed him. He always did what he could to help, truly an “alchemist for the people”.

I met Edward Elric six years ago, when he was only a child. It wasn’t the fact that he was missing an arm and a leg, still bandaged from recent injury that caught my eye. It was the determination he had, the way about him that spoke of something bigger than any kid that young should possess. When he came to me to sponsor him to be a state alchemist, I don’t think I could have turned him down if I’d wanted to.

In the years that followed , I had the privilege of watching Edward mature into a man who believed in his duty to serve and protect. Never in a million years did I suspect we'd be called into action to bid him farewell, and as we gather in sorrow to mourn Ed’s life, I feel it's important that we also take time to celebrate it.

For as long as people have been walking the earth, people have dealt with the devastation of war. For many of us though, even as recently as the war in Ishbal, it was all simply words on a page. No one expected to lose a person like Ed in the line of duty.

I remember Edward as being a man of principle and a man who believed in what he was doing. I know he felt he had a purpose for being in the military, for being a State Alchemist, and I, along with all my fellow countrymen and women, owe him a debt of gratitude that we will never be able to pay.

Things will be different now that Ed is gone. I know that his family has also paid the ultimate sacrifice and in these times of sorrow, and in all the days ahead, please remember that we, your community members, your friends and your neighbors, are all here for you anytime you need us. We will keep you in our prayers and our homes and hearts are open to you. Please accept my deepest.

Edward Elric has been deprived of the proverbial three score and ten that we all hope to live, and we have been deprived of his love, laughter, and affection. Our hearts have a hole in them that will never be filled.

I will always admire and respect Fullmetal for following thru with his beliefs at all cost. While serving under my command, he saw more than a child ever should. He was more of a man than many twice his age and he will always be a hero.

Ed was a great man and I believe he touched the lives of more than he could possibly imagine. I hope he rests well in the knowledge that he is loved, cared for, and deeply missed.”

Roy stood still and emotionless as, one by one, strangers filed out of the cemetery, satisfied that they had paid their respects to an alchemist they’d never really cared about to begin with. He watched wordlessly as an empty coffin was lowered into an empty grave, marked by a pointless grave stone. Winry and a young man who looked eerily like Edward, which Roy assumed to be Al, stood huddled together beside the grave, crying on each other. Havoc and Hawkeye and the others who’d once been under his command stood at a distance, paying their last respects to a child who had stolen their hearts without even meaning to, his included. It wasn’t until everyone else had finally left that Roy approached the grave.

I think of you as watching from
a time and space beyond the sky,
a place where we might someday come

Roy shook his head at the epitaph, a part of him hoping it was true, that maybe Ed really existed somewhere still. It was silly, he knew, but he fancied Ed had made a world for himself somewhere beyond their reach, that someday he’d be back and all would be right again. Until then, he’d wait in his little snow covered cabin, serving his country in his own way, mourning a lost he didn’t realize he’d cared so much for.

“You know, Ed. This really isn’t fair. Shouldn’t you at least be here to laugh at me? You finally broke the mask and you can’t even gloat about it,” he wiped away a stray tear as he stared at the vacant grave.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen. You said you’d never die before me. Damn it, Ed, I believed you. I didn’t think anything could possibly go wrong. You were too tough for that. I never even got to really be honest with you.

You know, I almost told you in the car that last day. I almost told you that you better come back because I loved you, but I didn’t want anything to distract you from saving your brother. It’s selfish of me to say I wish I’d told you, but I do. It hangs all around me, a secret I was supposed to share and I never did and the best I gave you was a damn hand shake.

You probably think I would have betrayed you eventually, that I held your secrets over your head on purpose. I wish I could have made you trust me. I never thought of you as sinful. You were more than that. You were so passionate and beautiful, it nearly swept me away. It was all I could do to pretend I had the upper hand. If I’d known I wasn’t going to get to see you again, I’d tell you at least that.

Are you happy where you are? I hope so. I keep trying to fool myself into believing you went ahead and finished growing up, that you’re whole and well, and everything is perfect for you. I bet it’s just a matter of time before you come back here, bringing trouble like always, yelling at me for ever starting to believe you were really gone. That’s just how it’s going to go, isn’t it?

I wish you’d hurry up and come back. I… I miss you. I love you, even if you’ve probably forgotten all about me by now.”


Ed finished drawing the circle, ignoring the fact that it was in the middle of his bedroom floor. No way was this going to work, but he had to try, just to prove the whole idea was bogus. He closed his eyes, pressing his hands to the circle and willing it to open.

Wind blew around him and he opened his eyes in surprise, wondering if he’d succeeded. He grumbled in agitation as he found he’d only left a window open. As he stood and walked to the edge of the room to shut it, he didn’t notice the faint glow of the circle or a folded piece of paper that blew off the desk and onto it, promptly disappearing.


Roy knelt in front of Ed’s grave, head pressed to the stone to hide the tears he’d swear later that he hadn’t been crying. He scarcely noticed a light nudge to the back of his head.

Looking up, he found a piece of paper laying beside him. In dismal curiosity, he unfolded it, immediately recognizing a familiar scrawl.

Dear Roy


I think maybe I owe you an apology…


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